No Delusions
by Floweramon
Summary: A one-shot regarding the Narrator's feelings for Ask ThatGuy


Author's Note: Hello everyone. First I just wanted to say thanks for checking out this fanfic. I had this in mind ever since the point where ThatGuy and the narrator had that lover's tiff. I'm glad I waited though, because the part where they switched location gave me even more to work with. Hope you enjoy ^_^

Edit: I was rereading this, and caught a bunch of errors. I could've sworn I proofread it, but whatever. Fixed now!

* * *

I had no delusions about ThatGuy. I always knew he was pretty much the biggest scumbag I'd ever met. On the very first day I started narrating his sick little show, he said to me:

"Welcome to my house! Try to ignore the smell of fresh splooge and roasted corpses, things got pretty wild last night. I'd have invited you to join but, well, then I'd have no narrator would I? Now, just stand there, read the questions, and try not to be too blown away by my brilliance."

I seriously contemplated quitting right then and there, but I think the smell of the corpses made me a bit too stunned/petrified to do anything but read the questions. But after awhile, as insane as this sounds, I got use to it. Every few weeks I'd come to his house, ignore whatever strange smells or sounds were wafting through the air, and wait for him to be finished with whatever depraved act he was caught up in.

I have to admit, in spite of my disgust, That Guy did sort of fascinate me. To be just so unabashedly lewd and offensive, acting like he was speaking the gospel. Scary thing is, half the time I don't know if he is intentionally trying to offend people, or if what he's saying about himself is true. He has shown both an attraction to men and women, sometimes being bisexual, sometimes gay. Some days he claims to be a pedophile, a zoophile, and an objectophile, none of which I would put past him. And that's barely touching on all the stuff he claims to do.

One thing that has bothered me is the fact that he constantly contradicts himself. One episode he claims to be a "gay pedophile woman," and another he implies that he touches GameBoy penises. Either he is doing it for the shock value, or he's just a compulsive liar. Again, I wouldn't put either past him.

But like I said, I became rather numb to everything. There were moments of weakness, moments where I seemed to suddenly remember who I was working for and just what he was saying. But still I come back, still I ask the questions knowing the depravity that will follow. To be fair, he seems to have similar sudden realizations too, but they never last long.

I suppose the fall into routine made it all the more shocking when, around Christmas time, the show was taken over for an episode by... him. Sage came in innocently enough (if you count breaking in 'innocent'), and like me at this point wasn't phased by ThatGuy's responses. This worried me; I had had around a year and a half to get use to him. Did Sage watch the show? I thought that might've been why he wasn't phased. But I was wrong. So, so, so very wrong.

ThatGuy offered to let him answer a question, and it all went downhill from there. I still remember the question: "Who would win in a fight: Santa Claus or Saint Nicolas?" Standard stupid question.

Now I don't know if I was just use to only ThatGuy answering or if there was genuinely something off, but Sage's reply about glass-filled candy and sodomy even seemed to disturb ThatGuy. ThatGuy tried to answer the next one, but Sage interrupted. Before we knew it, he'd taken over.

At first it was slightly amusing to see ThatGuy being the one disturbed. But eventually it got to the point where I could barely ask the questions, though any hesitation was met with a beastly roar to continue. The last question ended with Sage grabbing ThatGuy to do God knows what. ThatGuy only had time to say his ending line to signal the end of the show before being dragged off. I stood there, stunned and disgusted, before I bolted out of the house.

I contemplated calling the police, but something stopped me. If the police came to the house, they'd most likely find out about the things ThatGuy has done. I knew he could probably take the police, he's come back from the dead more times than I can remember. But still, something kept me from calling them.

I waited for his call. That's how it always worked, he'd call me, say he's ready to do another episode, and I come over. But it was getting to be two days before the due date of the special weekly December episode and, as strange as it sounds, I was worried. Finally on that day he called, just saying he was ready and hanging up. I started to head out, but remembered to pick up his present. The contents shook the box a little but I had to ignore it.

Once I got there I unlocked the door (he and I both decided it was more convenient if I was able to get into his house at anytime). I walked in and noticed a weird lack of sound or smell. Usually his house was filled with weird sounds and strange smells, but now, nothing. It seemed almost... normal. This scared me more than anything.

I quickly went to the study where the show took place, and was surprisingly relieved to see ThatGuy alive. But he was just sitting there, staring off into space. I had never seen him so introverted.

I walked up, "Uh... ThatGuy? I'm here."

He suddenly got up, walked over to the bookshelves, and smiled, "Let's go then."

I stared at him for a moment, then went behind the camera. The bag full of questions was already by the camera, so I turned on the camera and let him do his intro. He seemed okay, but there was something off. We got through two questions before he suddenly walked off camera and back to his couch. He once again had that strange look on his face.

I turned off the camera and walked over, "Hey, do you want to skip this episode?"

"No no," he muttered distractedly, "it'll be the one just before Christmas. Can't... can't just stop."

I sighed, then a shuffle from behind reminded me of the gift, "Well speaking of Christmas, I got you something."

ThatGuy looked up at that. I gave him the gift, "I saw it at a flea market, and when it started speaking I figured it was just the sort of thing you'd like."

He slowly ripped off the paper and opened the box. I finally saw his eyes light up as he slowly pulled it out, "It's... a hummel figurine!"

Immediately the demonic little thing began to speak, "Fool! I am not some mere collectible for your delight! I have more evil inside me than you can ever imagine! My dress is Hitler's prostate, my bird minion is Saddam Hussain's testicle, and my babushka is made out of the ass of Clifford the Dog! BEWARE!"

The whole time the hummel figurine talked, I saw ThatGuy face break into the familiar smile, and the depravity in that smile was strangely comforting. Suddenly he lept up and hugged me. I froze at that, not sure how to react to this weird act. But just as soon as he hugged me he let go, walked back to the bookshelves, and smiled, "Let's go, again!"

We filmed the rest of the episode, and I was strangely happy to see him use the hummel figurine during the episode. Though the thing terrified me, I figured ThatGuy would appreciate it.

In fact, he might have appeciated it too much. When I came back for the New Years episode, he seemed strangely forward. Not that he hadn't flirted with me before (lord knows he's the biggest man whore I've ever met), but there was something more... amorous about his flirting this time. When we started filming, I asked my own questions about the show. He pretended to get irritated and threatened me if I didn't stop. I say pretend because he didn't really seem irritated. I had gotten to the point where I could tell the difference between the fake threats and the real ones.

In the middle of the episode (after he died and came back to life again), there was one question that made us both stop. All ThatGuy could say was, "Sage? Is that you?" He stayed frozen like that until I turned off the camera. I guided him to the couch and sat him down.

"It's okay ThatGuy, the question wasn't signed by Sage," I tried to reassure him as I sat down beside him.

"He used a pseudonym, I just know it!" ThatGuy started rambling, "he's trying to get to me again, trying to get the best of me." He suddenly grabbed my hair and shook me, his teeth bared as he said, "I WILL NOT LET HIM DO IT AGAIN DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yes, yes I do!" I tried to say, wincing at the pain. I looked up and was stunned to see tears roll down his snarling face. I put my hands on his wrist, "ThatGuy, he won't do anything to you anymore. I promise."

He seemed to relax at that, and once again I found myself in his embrace. I stayed relax though and hugged him back, trying to comfort him as best I could. After a minute he looked at me; I had never seen him look so vulnerable, so afraid. I needed to chase away his fears, his sadness.

Before I really understood what I was doing, I leaned forward and kissed him. For a second I felt him stiffen at that, and I took a small bit of satisfaction knowing that I had genuinely surprised him. But almost immediately he fell into the kiss, and what had been a simple, innocent kiss quickly became an intense, passionate French kiss. Of course, since this is ThatGuy we're talking about that kiss escalated into much more. I didn't resist, and quite frankly I was curious. I had never been with a man before, and the prospect was strangely exciting. Though in a million years I would've never thought that my first experience with a man would be with one so insane.

As soon as we were done and we could once again think straight, he quickly got dressed. He went back to the bookshelves and smiled at me, "We still have a few more questions to do." When I tried to get dress though, he held up a hand, "No no, keep your clothes off. We aren't done yet." He gave me that devious smile of his, and I felt a pleasant churning in my stomach. And after four more questions we went at it again. I stayed there all night, for once participating in the perverted acts that he always bragged about. Was I becoming insane too, was he rubbing off on me? At the moment I didn't care.

Our relationship seemed much more close for a time. He even took to saying he loved me, though I knew better than to take him seriously. Nevertheless I took to saying it too. I suppose I was going insane. It even got to the point that we argued about it on the show. Ah well, from the comments I read about that episode the fangirls seemed to love it. And as ThatGuy always said, "A happy fan is one that'll give you money, regardless of whether or not you deserve it."

It was after a few months that he seemed to be tired of me. I wasn't surprised; like I said, I never had any delusions about him. I never asked about our cooling passion, I just did my job.

It was only after he blew up his old study to get a new location for the show (like I said, insane), leaving me there, that the next time we filmed I asked, "Why did you leave me to die in that explosion?"

"That's a very good question," ThatGuy responded, as if this was a typical, run-of-the-mill stupid question to start the show, "and the answer is: we hurt the ones we love. Thankfully, I don't love you at all. But I will hurt you anyway; cause I'm just that kind of guy."

I didn't lose it, I didn't yell at him or start crying like I suppose I should have. All I did was quip sarcastically, "You're very considerate."


End file.
